Dating Scoreboard

Posted by Roger Keays, 22 July 2009, 10:00 PM

Good evening my conjelicious companions. How are we all? Ah... bon. Shall we get started then? Non, wait just one moment please... Today's topic is somewhat sensitive and gender specific, so I therefore must request that all female visitors stop reading immediately and go look for shoes on ebay instead. If you do not, you will probably hate me forever.

Thank-you.

Now, gentlemen. Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. Let's cut to the chase. Why do we date? I know the answer, but I'm giving you a minute or two to think for yourself..... Yes! We date because we have no choice. Even when we are 'not dating', we are dating and even if we believe in fairly tales, karma and destiny, we go right ahead and play the dating game... badly.

But don't worry. I'm here to help. Really, I care. Okay. I don't care, but I had a lot of fun making this dating scoreboard anyway. It's very simple to use. The first column is drivel, the second is nonsense and the third is largely a waste of space and only making this whole global warming thing worse. Nevertheless, I post it here in the hope that one day my work will be recognised by the leading psychologists of tomorrow.

Je vous presente... the Dating Scoreboard!

She will	She is	Your score
tell you that you're really nice	not interested	-100 points

flirt with you	shrewd	0 points
let you buy her drinks		0 points
ask you for a lift to the airport		0 points
take your money		0 points

add you to her facebook	a friend	1 point
dance with you		5 points
chat to you		10 points
smile at you		15 points

ask "where have you been?"	still just a friend	20 points
ask "how old you are, anyway?"		25 points
accidentally bump into you		30 points
look for you when the DJ plays bachata		35 points
go on a date		40 points
punch you		45 points

hold your hand	interested	50 points
message you		55 points
kiss you on the cheek		60 points
ask "why haven't you called me?"		65 points
hold you, kiss you, touch you		70 points

call you Baby	infatuated	75 points
refuse to dance bachata with other guys		80 points
stop you dancing bachata with other girls		85 points
sleep with you		90 points
actually want to sleep with you		95 points
marry you		100 points

marry you, love you and not cheat on you	priceless	1000 points

To be fair, not all girls have the same values. Some girls will not be intimate until there is at least a diamond ring involved while others will marry someone they don't love or sleep with guys they are not genuinely interested in (ouch!). C'est la vie mes amies, don't beat yourself up.

There is one more very important factor that needs to be mentioned - a reality that cannot be ignored lest you yearn for heartache. COMPETITORS. Your score could be a billion and five (y muy bueno para ti), but if some other guy is on a billion and six, guess what... YOU LOSE! Too bad, so sad. She prefers him. Yes, even if she tells you otherwise.

Figure out the difference between your score and his. This number represents your advantage or disadvantage. If you don't like it, come up with a way to improve that by acting within your circle of influence. Sulking, pleading or declaring your undying love resets your score to zero and earns you two months or more in the sin bin. La vie est dure.

Alternatively, just go for someone else.

Well, my friends, that is all the unsolicited advice I have to offer you today. I must say, it does feel good to know I have contributed to the Internet's vast collection of meaningless rhetoric and at the same time increased the global English lexicon by a total of one as-yet-undefined word.

Ah, isn't life fun?

Comment posted by: Min Wye on 3 August 2009, 1:46 PM

Hilarious! According to your scoreboard, I have lots of friends but not many girls interested =( oh well

Comment posted by: Roger Keays on 3 August 2009, 2:45 PM

One is all you need.... one made of gold :)

Comment posted by: sandymong on 18 November 2009, 4:38 PM

>9000

......don't call me baby!